| I never realized how little I understand myself. I've always had everything all figured out, exactly what kind of person I was, why I do the things I do, what things were always important to me. But now all I can think about is how confused I am, how trapped I am in my own life. My thoughts are scattered like broken glass, impossible to piece back together no matter how hard I try. I feel lost, vulnerable, alone. My heart feels empty. My mind feels confused. My life feels strange.
I can see everything slowly slipping away, but for some reason my mind is too numb to stop it. I watch myself screw up, making situations worse and worse each day. I've made a new record of almost 2 consecutive weeks of missing class, managed to get 4 weeks behind in homework, and I can't even get myself to get up and do what needs to be done to make it better. All I can do is sit here knowing that my grades, along with everything else, are falling through the cracks, but I just can't bring myself to fix it.
Every aspect of my life seems so empty, so pointless. School, work, family, friends, boyfriend - everything is a complete blur. I dread going to school, going to work, going out, even coming home and sleeping. My mind is never at ease, always just spinning faster and faster, making me feel like a helpless victim of my own existence. I have nowhere to turn for refuge anymore. Even the mall which used to bring so much comfort and relief is now boring and repetitive. I've lost interest in everything, lost all motivation, all hope and desire for more in life.
But yesterday, as I sat on the steps outside, having a cigarette and chatting with Dave, the neighbor's black kitty came near me and looked me in the eyes, and filled me with a sense of peace. For that 10 seconds that she was slowly rubbing against my side, I felt like there was something in her that made me feel complete. As crazy as that sounds, maybe it's a sign. Maybe what I'm searching for is right in front of me, something I encounter everyday, and just waiting for me to realize it.
Hopefully, it's just a phase. Maybe I just need to get away from here, get away from it all, just leave everything familiar to overcome all of this. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind. Sigh.
Until next time... |
